Experiencing an early menopause may mean that the roles you expected to have change. Early menopause may take away the possibility of becoming a mother for some women. Some say ‘I wasn’t sure if I even wanted children’ or ‘I didn’t know if I wanted more children’ but that the decision has been taken away and it seems unfair. A role that was longed for may not happen; naturally anyway. How this feels and the impact it has will depend on individual circumstances, support networks and coping skills. Other women feel they have taken a role not expected until they were in their fifties – that of menopausal woman. They may even have experienced menopause before their own mother.

The important thing is to think about the issue of roles and of having purpose. If it is to be a mother, think about the steps that can be taken to make this role a reality - maybe donor eggs or adoption are options? Seek counselling to talk about the loss of this role if you need to, and if possible, include your partner (if applicable). It can also be helpful to ask what other roles you may have in your life and list these. Sometimes we have many roles, which we overlook when we get stuck wanting to fulfill one role and can’t. Some women forget that they are also partners, daughters, sisters, friends, aunties, granddaughters, workers, neighbours, caregiver. This doesn’t necessarily take all of the pain of loss away but it can shift the focus. Creating meaning in life can also be very important.

I decided that as soon I was diagnosed as going through an early menopause that I would investigate using donor eggs. This took some of the pressure off. Of course I would like my own genetically-born children, but if that is not to be, then I’ll be damned if I’m going to miss out on being a mother. Barbara I felt a bit lost when I realised that I could never have children, that the choice had been taken away from me. But my partner and I are working our way through it. The important thing is that we talk. My life is so full in so many other ways. Mary

Content updated November 13, 2009